Ok, so I haven't blogged in a really long time. It's not necessarily a bad thing; we had a very fun-filled summer what with Ryan & Michelle in town from England and our trip to Newport Beach, CA. Speaking of which, I should blog about our beach trip; we have a lot of good pictures (maybe next time)! But, what brings me to blog today is an aching heart. In fact, it's difficult to hold back the tears as I'm typing, but here it goes.
Javier and I have been trying to have another baby since May of 2008 with no luck. I'd say it's frustrating, but that would be an understatement. It's down right aggravating and disappointing. My heart aches on a monthly basis, not to mention the waiting and anticipation of the 2-3 weeks prior to my AF in hopes of "maybe this will be the month that we can celebrate!". And when my AF does creep up on me, I usually say to myself, "I can't do this anymore...I'm sick of this". But, a week or two later, my desire for another child outweighs my frustrations.
There has been 1 positive realization to come out of all of this frustration and that is this: I was so incredibly blessed to get pregnant with my first 3 by just thinking about it. All of them were planned and I got them when I wanted them. Spoiled, I know. But that is what I am used to, so this 16 + month period of being in limbo has me all coiled inside. Maybe that's the problem? I am being impatient, I guess, but I feel that it should have happened by now.
During all of this time, I have noticed some differences with my body compared to before I became pregnant with my other children. I have a friend who has been diagnosed with PCOS or Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome. A couple of nights ago we were talking and I was telling her about some of my frustrations (which were heightened this month due to me seeing my OBGYN to explore possible fertility solutions). Throughout our discussion it seemed that the somewhat recent differences in my body resemble those of her symptoms associated with PCOS. Earlier this year I was concerned about having PCOS myself, but I brushed it aside thinking I was making something out of nothing. Why on earth would I do that? I mean, I have a lot of pain 2-3 weeks out of every month...why would I ignore pain? I'll tell you why; I have been so focused on getting pregnant, that is all I cared about. I admit, it's pretty stupid to ignore signs from my body that something may by wrong.
Yesterday I looked up the symptoms of PCOS and I do have about 60-70% of the symptoms associated with that condition. I really hope I don't have it; heart attacks, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol are all the risks of having PCOS. What a bummer for those who have been diagnosed with this condition, of which there is no cure (from what I have read).
My best friend has recently been battling the horrible possibility of MS. She has had a lot of tests done and was told by her neurologist that she has a 95% likelihood of having MS. She too ignored her symptoms; she has felt something "off" with her body for 4 years! The good thing is that we both eventually told ourselves "enough is enough, we need to find out what is going on".
As I was reading her blog today about listening to our bodies, I couldn't help but agree with her point wholeheartedly. Women ARE intuitive. That's what makes us good moms...it's what makes us women. I have a cousin who put her young child down to take a nap in a closet at our grandmother's house. She just had this itching feeling that she needed to check on her young daughter and when she did, she caught the little girl playing with a dress covered in a dry-cleaning bag. I believe she actually had this bag in her face or close to it. Nothing bad happened and my cousin removed all the clothing from within the child's reach and continued to allow the little girl to nap. The possibility of what might have happened had my cousin not listened to her intuition is frightening. WE NEED TO LISTEN TO OUR BODIES...they do tell us if something is wrong or just 'not right'.
Perhaps, there is something just 'not right' with my body which is preventing me from getting pregnant. If that is the case, I know that God put doctors on earth to help us and maybe there are options for us to conceive. Perhaps I am completely healthy and it's just not in Heavenly Father's plan for me to have a 4th baby yet or ever. To which I ask Him "why do you hate me so much that you won't let me have another baby?". Upon telling my husband I felt this way occasionally, he replied "you need to hear the story in the Book of Jobe". So, he told me the story. It made me cry, it moved me. Javier thinks that my question to Him was about losing faith in Heavenly Father, but I corrected him, "even Jobe complained and that's what I am doing, complaining". It is difficult sometimes to accept the things in life of which I have no control over. My heart wants what it wants and who am I to ignore that? But, I have never, nor will I ever, lose faith in Jesus or Heavenly Father...it's not who I am. Even before I became LDS, I had a lot of faith in God. And now being a member of The Church, I have even more faith than before!
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us all. That actually makes me thrilled because I don't think we could handle that kind of responsibility on our own. If He doesn't want us to have another child, I trust it's because it's for the best. That doesn't mean that I will stop trying anytime in the next 5 years or so (I am not above fertility treatments), but at least I do have faith. I also believe that He is always trying to teach us lessons and things about life and thereafter. I can actually take a lesson out of all of this heartache I have experienced, not just with the inability to conceive a 4th baby thus far, but with getting shot in the head and losing my mother at such a young age.
I think for many of us earthlings it is so easy to think about what we don't have rather than be grateful for what we do have. So here is the lesson that I have loved to learn: to cherish the blessings that Heavenly Father has given us...which are PLENTIFUL! My life with my husband and 3 children is fruitful, loving, happy and overall IMMENSELY BLESSED! To which I say to God THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! And I know He doesn't hate me at all. He LOVES me and all of us :)
It's Catch up Time! and More to come later.
15 years ago
